July 19, 2020
I’m not going to mention your names in this letter because you will know by reading this if this was meant for you. But yet again why should I not mention your names because you are the ones that came to my rescue, made sure that I did not fall into a deep hole of anguish, and reminded me that I was loved.
To the Strong Women in My Life,
It’s been a year since this my whole world exploded. It’s time to put this to bed and move on. In order for me to do this I need to express what has happened over the past year and how each of you have tugged me along letting me know I was not alone. There was only one other time in my life that I came close to this magnitude of despair; when my brother died. Thank you for your endless patience with me and my crazy thoughts.
In the beginning I was numb. I think the world could have exploded and I would not have known. I could not think, my mind was in a deep freeze. I did not want to feel. Turn your head away and maybe it will all go away, right? I put myself on autopilot and made a desperate call for help. I was lost, untethered, floating, and in denial. You came to my rescue within minutes. You knew I was spinning out of control. In those early hours of knowing you helped guide me through some dark waters. I thank you, more than you will ever know. I love you.
Crazy me, I thought I could go to work the next day. I needed normalcy in my world. I was desperately trying to find comfort. Just like a pair of comfortable old tennis shoes that you never throw away. Well, I did not make it through the day, let alone not even the morning. All I could do was stare at my computer screen and cry. I made it back home and then I proceeded to numb the pain I was starting to feel. Mind you at this point, no one knew what was going on with exception of two people. I reached out again, placed a phone call and they knew something was terrible wrong. Before I knew it you were standing in front of me. How I wanted to tell you everything but I felt a need to protect you because I knew this situation was going to get worse before it got better. To old for your years. Thank you, you saved me that night from maybe doing something very stupid. I love you.
You know I think back now to that month of July 2019 and I have an outrageous thought which I cannot shake. I’ll share this with you. You know there are certain things in my life which I do daily as a ritual - yes I know but its my way of starting out the day and giving thanks. I missed the Pow Wow. I missed the dance (The Scared Circle) which we do together or I carry you with me in my heart. At least one dance is all that is needed to ensure my family will carry on and be strong for another year. I kick myself for missing this and often think about the what if’s? I know it would not have made a difference and this path was already laid in front of me. It was going to happen this year, the next or the next...
I remember making several phone calls late at night in the first couple of days. Again, I was desperately reaching out for a life line. It’s okay that you did not pick up. I just want you to know this. When you called back the next day you knew something had shook my world. You so get me. I knew it shook your world too. I love you.
When I opened up the front door the next morning I could not believe my eyes. All I could do is reach out and hug you with all of my being. As I write this and remember how I felt that morning, tears are rolling down my face. I did not ask you to come but here you were, You came.........I so love you.
Over the next few weeks life was overwhelming. There were times that I was just ready to give up and run away. I just did not really know where to start but I did and did not know it. I was in survival mode. I was moving through the steps in order to make it. I had made it past the critical point. There was to much to live for and I was not going to let this beat me down. I did bury my heart and my pain deep within me. But it kept resurfacing and I would squash it back down. I would not have made it through these critical days if it were not for the strong woman in my life.
Protective mode you went into; being vigilant and still are over me. You rose up to protect me and to try to stop anymore pain from entering. I had been beaten down and you knew I was fragile. My heart was broken; I was broken. I love you so very much.
Tag team, one out the door and another one came in. This makes me smile even now. You guys had a plan of action which I obviously was not privy too. It was time to purge and purge we did. This was so therapeutic I cannot put it into words but let me try. Freeing? Rebellious because we could.....I cannot recall how many runs we made with my truck to the dump. We jus kept adding to the load and my truck resembled something from the Beverly Hillbillies. You were on it; pitching, tossing, throwing and you would not stop. Your amazing. I love you.
Only when we thought things were not going to get any worse, but they did. I’ll never forget that scary night. I was so conflicted. And I know you were struggling with your own emotions. Remember that part of the marriage vow; in sickness and in health. I could not get that out of my head. No, I was not having second thoughts about how I felt but I knew I need to be there for this person which had been apart of my life for so many years. Maybe you would not have done the same thing but I know this was the right thing to do and I would not be able to live with myself if I did not follow through with this. Don’t get me wrong there was regret after awhile, but I still would not have changed my decision even knowing what I do now.
I do regret that I was not able to protect you from the hurt. Till this day I struggle with this. Please forgive me for not being there and protecting you from this hurt. Just know that I love you.
To The Strong Women in My Life,
This journey is almost over for me. I know some of you are still struggling with the after effects of this explosion and your journey of healing is still in motion. Know that I will always be here for you, I will never guilt you into thinking you need to make amends, I will be by your side, and I will never abandon you. You have made my life richer and mentally I’m stronger than I have ever been. I will not let this beat me, in turn this will not beat you. ! I so love you all to the Moon and Back.
Yours Always,
Lee Ann Hough
