Rest in Peace

Have you ever lost your way in this world - Or have you ever found your way? Not knowing where to begin and constantly looking for your true path. Feeling so overwhelmed sometimes to even step forward and not understanding why you feel differently. Your feet are always traveling - moving - running. Always trying to find acceptance and comfort that you crave so passionately.

Putting a smile on your face when inside all you want to do is hide when your around people. Feeling the  awkwardness of a spot light watching every move you make. Just looking for a misstep and a moment of being out of control. Drink, smoke, and drugs seem to ease the pain of not being like everyone else and then you slip into a different skin when the drug takes affect.

Struggling with sexuality and scared to share for being cast away from the ones you love. Lashing out because on most occasions your feeling like you have to defend yourself.

Then one day you find a place you can dig your toes into the sand and feel the warm breeze on your skin. Have you found your sanctuary? Your mind is quiet and content for awhile.

Slipping - Your mind is beginning to fracture, as you are trying desperately to stop the destruction of your carefully built walls of protection. Starting to feel the words of torment and the heavy weight of guilt - as it creeps over you like a suffocating fog. You thought this monster was laid to rest but its hungry and whispering words into your ear. Struggling to disengage from these poisonous thoughts you feel yourself slipping back to where you were in the beginning.

Thinking to yourself just once more - this will help give the bump you need to chase away these demons. The voice inside your head has rationalized this out and its okay. Spinning - Regret - Scared.......And then there was nothing.

You cannot see - its dark, lonely and cold. Then you feel the warmth and the intensity from all the people that love you. This love wraps around you like a warm blanket of heat which gives you the strength you need to step forward. Your being is carried now by all the people that love you and there are many lights you can see shining a clear bright path to follow. 

 Trust 

The word Trust has been lingering for weeks in my Head 

Like a bank of fog on a rainy day

Just waiting for a sunny day to clear it away

Truly, what is Trust?

Should you never question another persons word?

Is that a form of not trusting?

Can you ever get back to a place to Trust?

After trust has been kicked on, spat on, and ground into the dirt

I don’t know......

Trust shattered like glass

Strong but vunerable  - factured

Trust was burnt

Maybe a piece still lingers

Like a root of a tree buried beneath the ground

Just waiting for the right combination of elements

Trust was tested not so long ago

One of the hardest nights 

Confused, conflicted, and scared 

Twisted thoughts swirling

Truthfully, can trust be restored?

Deep Breath  - there is hope

Heart open  - Trust....

I see the fog lifting

Awakening

From the ashes I rise and continue to fly

I can see - really see

As I cry

My soul sings with freshness

Stretching  my arms out wide

embracing which was denied 

Senses heightened - saturating 

Almost to much to fast 

Afraid this will not last

Reborn fearless 

racing at a faster pace

my spirit guiltless

From the ashes I have risen

I can see - really see

Freed from my prison

Anticipation

I feel the excitement bubble up inside of me

Like a tea kettle on the stove

I keep looking at the clock...

No, its not time yet, find something to do

Pace, clean, nervous energy

I look at the clock again.....

I feel like a child saying to a parent “Are we there yet?”

A present that has been waiting to be unwrapped

I look at the clock again.....

Maybe I need to check another clock

I’m certain the hands have not moved

I make myself a promise not to look again

Okay, it must be almost time

Is everything in place?

How do I look?

I looked at the clock again....

My heat is pounding

I’m sure if you were standing next to me you could hear the thudding

I have not felt this way for so long

Do they feel the same way?

I look at the clock again....

I’m making to much out of this

No, I don’t think so

I’m nervous

Butterflies in my stomach

My face is flushed just thinking about the first anticipated 

Kiss

Ive stopped looking at the clock

He is here

The Perfect Recipe For 

Creme Brulee

The Dance of this Delicious Dessert is essential 

You must have the perfect balance of:

Sweetness - Not to much but just enough which makes your mouth want for more - like a kiss not quite finished;

Creaminess - The feel of the smooth, pillow soft, light texture vanilla milkiness which covers the inside of your mouth;

Crunchiness - The crackle and shatter as you put your spoon through the top. The taste of sugar which has been carmelized to perfection. Making you want to dig in for another bite;

Serving Size - Enough to satisfy your craving but leaving you with a desire for more;

Presentation - Make it a Break it......To much fanfare makes you wonder why? Simple but elegant with a little bit of mystery is always key;

Timing - is everyting-to late then you miss the optimal point of taste, to early then your robbed of what it could have been - On time and on point you experience the explosion of taste as it should be.

Author

Lee Ann Hough

July 19, 2020

I’m not going to mention your names in this letter because you will know by reading this if this was meant for you. But yet again why should I not mention your names because you are the ones that came to my rescue, made sure that I did not fall into a deep hole of anguish, and reminded me that I was loved.

To the Strong Women in My Life,

It’s been a year since this my whole world exploded. It’s time to put this to bed and move on. In order for me to do this I need to express what has happened over the past year and how each of you have tugged me along letting me know I was not alone. There was only one other time in my life that I came close to this magnitude of despair; when my brother died. Thank you for your endless patience with me and my crazy thoughts.

In the beginning I was numb. I think the world could have exploded and I would not have known. I could not think, my mind was in a deep freeze. I did not want to feel. Turn your head away and maybe it will all go away, right? I put myself on autopilot and made a desperate call for help. I was lost, untethered, floating, and in denial. You came to my rescue within minutes. You knew I was spinning out of control. In those early hours of knowing you helped guide me through some dark waters. I thank you, more than you will ever know. I love you.

Crazy me, I thought I could go to work the next day. I needed normalcy in my world. I was desperately trying to find comfort. Just like a pair of comfortable old tennis shoes that you never throw away. Well, I did not make it through the day, let alone not even the morning. All I could do was stare at my computer screen and cry. I made it back home and then I proceeded to numb the pain I was starting to feel. Mind you at this point, no one knew what was going on with exception of two people. I reached out again, placed a phone call and they knew something was terrible wrong. Before I knew it you were standing in front of me. How I wanted to tell you everything but I felt a need to protect you because I knew this situation was going to get worse before it got better. To old for your years. Thank you, you saved me that night from maybe doing something very stupid. I love you.


You know I think back now to that month of July 2019 and I have an outrageous thought which I cannot shake. I’ll share this with you. You know there are certain things in my life which I do daily as a ritual - yes I know but its my way of starting out the day and giving thanks. I missed the Pow Wow. I missed the dance (The Scared Circle) which we do together or I carry you with me in my heart. At least one dance is all that is needed to ensure my family will carry on and be strong for another year. I kick myself for missing this and often think about the what if’s? I know it would not have made a difference and this path was already laid in front of me. It was going to happen this year, the next or the next...

I remember making several phone calls late at night in the first couple of days. Again, I was desperately reaching out for a life line. It’s okay that you did not pick up. I just want you to know this. When you called back the next day you knew something had shook my world. You so get me. I knew it shook your world too. I love you.

When I opened up the front door the next morning I could not believe my eyes. All I could do is reach out and hug you with all of my being. As I write this and remember how I felt that morning, tears are rolling down my face. I did not ask you to come but here you were, You came.........I so love you.

Over the next few weeks life was overwhelming. There were times that I was just ready to give up and run away. I just did not really know where to start but I did and did not know it. I was in survival mode. I was moving through the steps in order to make it. I had made it past the critical point. There was to much to live for and I was not going to let this beat me down. I did bury my heart and my pain deep within me. But it kept resurfacing and I would squash it back down. I would not have made it through these critical days if it were not for the strong woman in my life.

Protective mode you went into; being vigilant and still are over me. You rose up to protect me and to try to stop anymore pain from entering. I had been beaten down and you knew I was fragile. My heart was broken; I was broken. I love you so very much.

Tag team, one out the door and another one came in. This makes me smile even now. You guys had a plan of action which I obviously was not privy too. It was time to purge and purge we did. This was so therapeutic I cannot put it into words but let me try. Freeing? Rebellious because we could.....I cannot recall how many runs we made with my truck to the dump. We jus kept adding to the load and my truck resembled something from the Beverly Hillbillies. You were on it; pitching, tossing, throwing and you would not stop. Your amazing. I love you.

Only when we thought things were not going to get any worse, but they did. I’ll never forget that scary night. I was so conflicted. And I know you were struggling with your own emotions. Remember that part of the marriage vow; in sickness and in health. I could not get that out of my head. No, I was not having second thoughts about how I felt but I knew I need to be there for this person which had been apart of my life for so many years. Maybe you would not have done the same thing but I know this was the right thing to do and I would not be able to live with myself if I did not follow through with this. Don’t get me wrong there was regret after awhile, but I still would not have changed my decision even knowing what I do now.

I do regret that I was not able to protect you from the hurt. Till this day I struggle with this. Please forgive me for not being there and protecting you from this hurt. Just know that I love you.

To The Strong Women in My Life,

This journey is almost over for me. I know some of you are still struggling with the after effects of this explosion and your journey of healing is still in motion. Know that I will always be here for you, I will never guilt you into thinking you need to make amends, I will be by your side, and I will never abandon you. You have made my life richer and mentally I’m stronger than I have ever been. I will not let this beat me, in turn this will not beat you. ! I so love you all to the Moon and Back.

Yours Always,

Lee Ann Hough

Freedom

Press v. Broadcasting

The freedom of speech or of the press is a hotly debated issue and how the First Amendment is interpreted to establish the true meaning of “Freedom,” as if applies to the access theory. These following two cases have been passionately debated and now it being the  21^st century, with all of the internet and smartphone accessibility to express oneself and be connected, it makes an individual deliberate where the line will be drawn and what the consequences will be for this freedom.

The U.S. Supreme Court rejected the access theory in, Miami Herald v. Tornilla[1]and reversed the decision made by the Florida State Supreme Court. The court stated the statute in which the prior decision was made inferred with the guarantees of a free press under the First Amendment.  The First Amendment does not give the government the right to force a newspaper to publish views or ideas from a citizen and thus would interfere with the editorial judgment about the choice of material in which to publish.

In Red Lion Broadcasting v. FCC[2], the supreme court ruled the public has the right to receive what they consider suitable access to social, political, esthetic, moral, and other ideas, therefore embracing the access theory. The FCC limits the broadcast system by only allowing a number of radio and television stations to broadcast; therefor the government has the obligation of protecting the public interest.

The courts made the distinction between the print and broadcast media in the above cases by rationalizing there would be unlimited voices in the press. Meaning that there is no regulation on how many newspapers, magazines, etc. there could be in business. On the other hand, the government has promulgated statutes and ordinances through the FCC to limit the number of radio and television stations that are able to broadcast on the airways, along with their content and language usage.

Much has changed since 1969, with the invention of the internet and affordable computers/smart phones. A person can easily download a podcast, tweet on Twitter or rip music onto their electronic device. The once written form of expression such as newspapers, books, etc. can be accessed easily by just about anyone from their smart device, making the printed word go viral. As for broadcasting, yes the FCC still limits the number of stations on the airways and how much power you can use to broadcast. But with the invention of the internet a person can listen to the news, a podcast, and an opinion of a private individual  as easy as or easier than turning on the radio or the television. The access theory does not seem to fit comfortably into the 21^st century and our social network.

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[1] 418 U.S. 241 (1974)

[2] 395 U.S. 367 (1969)